Top 20 New Years Resolutions On Twitter
The sound of fireworks. Sound Capture: felix.blume – Freesound.
Ah, New Years resolutions… They are the epitome of procrastination for many, verbal energy for some, and rarely successful. But, we do it anyway, simply for the joy of posting up on our twitter accounts and Facebook walls for approval and to show people we really care about ourselves. And I, being the person I am, have trolled through all of them (exaggeration) in order to share with you the best of the best. I’ll share the ones that make you laugh, the ones that make you raise an eyebrow, and also the ones that make you throw your hands up in the air and scream YES!
So, alas, let’s start.
1. New Years Resolution Part 1
Ropney on Twitter is doing a rather unusual diet in 2018. Mind you, most of us would be guilty of this sort of eating. Pies and sausage rolls with squeeze packets of tomato sauce anyone?
My New Years resolution is gonna be to stop eating food from gas stations
— Ropney (@RotneyBeezy) December 17, 2017
2. New Years Resolution Part 2
Ropney comes back with his second round of resolutions. Are you guilty of this?
My second New Years resolution is to stop paying for Star Wars movies at 10 pm or later and falling asleep halfway through them
— Ropney (@RotneyBeezy) December 17, 2017
3. Stock This…
It’s the Monorail Man Elon Bachman, bringing you a well-planned resolution. When Tesla fails, all you can do is remove yourself from the twittersphere. But can he resist the thought of parodying Bitcoin?
— Monorail Man (@ElonBachman) December 17, 2017
4. Mr Popular
Cam Smith is vowing to keep a plentiful email inbox, perhaps to feel popular or perhaps to level with the email company by taking up their space. What’s your thoughts?
my new years resolution will be to maintain whatever the opposite of inbox zero is. i pledge that i will never have less than 1000 unread emails.
— cam smith (@sexenheimer) December 17, 2017
5. Becoming Less Shallow
Let’s face it, love is not all about looks. I mean, you have to suffer with the person’s annoying personality too, so you should try finding someone with a nice personality.
My New Years resolution is to step my standards up. My attraction to the opposite sex is usually based severely on looks but ima change that cause it’s been causing me a lot of hell and hurt in my life.
— Ari🤤🇯🇲🇹🇹🦄 (@Islandgyal215) December 17, 2017
6. Resolution By Proxy
Emma Donaldson may just be the savour for many Apple users out there. It’s always the damn autocorrect!
can apple’s New Years resolution be to fix the weird autocorrect thing that is still happening
— Emma Donaldson (@OLDMCDONALDson8) December 17, 2017
7. Beating Procrastination
It’s an undeniable fact that at least half of the New Years resolutions made are never successful. So what better way to beat the procrastination than to not have anything to procrastinate about?
— Ahmed Affan (@affan_ahmed11) December 17, 2017
8. What The?!
For those who don’t know, ‘bubble’ here refers to a drug. Not to condone illegal drug use, but wouldn’t a table suffice enough for sniffing?
Ryan said his New Years resolution is to stop sniffing bubble off the back of his toilet seat every morning
— Sam Ridholls (@sam_ridholls) December 17, 2017
9. Lazy Leggings
Two great things about leggings are they don’t require ironing and they are easy to wash, which makes it heaven for those lazy days. But, this girl has gone crazy with the leggings.
my New Years resolution is to stop wearing leggings every single day
— gëö (@geolowee) December 17, 2017
10. ‘I’ll Ask My Manager’
Joseph Harris is finding himself resorting to delegating difficult customers to the manager more often than not. But not for 2018.
My New Years resolution is trying to find a different line at work other than ‘I’ll ask my manager’
— Joseph Harris (@JosephHarrisPT) December 17, 2017
11. Extreme Dieting
It’s no doubt that since the proliferation of the world wide web that life has become dramatically easier. But, there are downsides to that. Take Tory, for instance.
My New Years resolution is to stop using food courier apps and to only eat Chinese food 1x per week.
— Tory (@ToryPeak) December 17, 2017
12. Constructively Indecisive
Sometimes it is hard to choose what sort of resolution you’d like to undertake. Is it to not fall in love or eat more vegetables?
i really would like my new years resolution to be “never double text men who don’t text you back” but it’ll probably just be “cut out dairy” instead
— jingle bellend (@boobking_) December 17, 2017
When you start a ‘to-do list’, you should make sure the first point to achieve is ‘write a to-do list’.
I'm making my new years resolution "keep a new years resolution" so uhhh…. yes
— floccinaucinihilipilification. (@jayuslynne) December 17, 2017
New years resolutions come in all shapes and sizes. And then there are ones like this, and all you can think of is ‘why no firemen?’
New Years resolution: no more firemen 🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️
— makhallie_shea (@makhallie_shea) December 17, 2017
15. Swearing In Church
Twitter user ‘daddy’ – I’m too scared to ask – has a rather odd new years resolution. I wonder if its commonplace for priests to say something worthy of mouthing out a cuss.
one of my new years resolution is to stop mouthing "what the fuck" in church when the priest says/does something stupid
— daddy (@dennyca_) December 17, 2017
16. All About Balance
Gym junkies would no doubt have spent too much time on their arms and not enough on their legs. So much so that they begin to look like Ranier Wolfcastle up top and Gru down below.
My New Years resolution is gonna be never skip leg day.
— Ted (@Tshep69) December 17, 2017
If I had to do a resolution like Twitter user Warren Cobb’s one below, it’d be to use the phrase ‘I’ll ask my manager’.
Early #newYearsResolution: use the phrase "ten thousand blistering barnacles!" every day this year.
— Warren Cobb (@warrenorange22) December 17, 2017
18. Net Neutrality
If you don’t know net neutrality, here’s a link to get you up to speed. Australian net speeds, eat your heart out!
I guess my new years resolution will be 480p bc the repeal of net neutrality is gonna make it impossible to watch anything in HD
— John Maurer🦉 (@JohnPMaurer) December 17, 2017
19. Sports Fan
This Twitter user is considering a ranking system to get him through 2018. Watch out sports gurus!
my new years resolution is to do weekly disappointment rankings for all my sports teams. pit every single one, regardless of league, against each other for a battle for my heart. the true meaning of sports
— Average Norcal Bro (@allegednovelist) December 17, 2017
20. Dirty Laundry
Lastly, Vanessa here is vowing to make sure her laundry gets done every week for the 52 weeks of the year. Good luck, girl!
New Years Resolution; ensure I do my laundry every damn week!
— Vanessa (@NessaMoniquexo) December 17, 2017