It seems that Disney’s latest Lion King remake left the box office early and aired straight to free-to-air TV.
Tonight we saw the newest instalment of The Bachelor Season 7 return to channel 10, filled with the characters you’d expect to see – Simba, the sweet new Bachelor (Matt Agnew), the wise elder Rafiki in the form of Osher Günsberg and a pack of glitzy hyenas ready to rip each other apart for the taste of the beautiful and shiny Simba. Scar was certainly there, however, minus the gash to the face thanks to the millilitres of botox and collagen, disguising the trouble-maker within.
And as this tale unfolded, we felt sickened by the clichés, the outfits and the drama. Yet, we sat back, relaxed and realised we’ve bloody missed The Bachelor.
So, if you happened to miss the sensational serve of guilty pleasure that we know you so desperately want (we do too), we’ve summed up everything you need to know. The Bachelor, Season 7: Ep 1, here’s what you missed:
1. Who’s the new man meat?
New bachelor, Matt, is 32 from Melbourne and is an astrophysicist. He’s looking for a new planet, presumably because he’s realised the talent here hasn’t been too kind to him. Especially with half of the ladies unable to pronounce his job, let alone understand what he does.
2. Who did we meet?
The bachelorette introductions reached a whole new level; we saw a motorbike entrance from the Gold Coast’s Nicole, a successful temporary tattoo application miraculously without water, a spot of pilates, a quick toasted marshmallow session, a DIY red carpet roll-out and a crazed contestant dressed as a bride. Better yet, Rachel (AKA the want-to-be young bride) also brought along her bestie for the maid of honour duties, which backfired, as good old Matt showed more interest in her than his plastic pumped bride.
3. What’s new?
The golden ticket. And just like in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, everyone was clawing at the chance to get it, even before they knew what it was for…The lucky lady who is graced with the golden piece of cardboard will lock in a private one-on-one date with the bach in his home city of Melbourne.
4. What did we learn?
A) These ladies have very low standards when it comes to calling things ‘amazing’.
Self-confessed model, Vakoo, brought out her red carpet (again), sprawled it across the grass and gave the girls a little walk. The hyenas screamed in excitement – “it’s amazing“. A little piece died within each of us on the lounge.
B) 24-year-old Kristen has lived in China for the past two years. If you didn’t get that, then there is a real reason for concern.
C) Gold Coast bogan-princess Nicole misinterprets being chased by a car packed with four men videoing her on Snapchat whilst yelling profanities at her as a good thing…
D) 32-year-old Emma loves love. Can’t get enough of it, but struggles to find it. And struggles with the idea of dating someone 20 other women are also dating. So, it makes complete sense that she’s on the show… She’s also showcasing high-levels of stage four clinger-ism.
5. Who do we like?
Let’s be frank, we needed to put together a list of who we actually like, as the list for who we didn’t was far too long.
Elly, the sweetheart nurse from Parkes. She’s one of our top picks. She seems genuine, kind and bubbly and doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in her. Plus, she brought marshmallows to her first encounter. We love people who bring food. And, great news, Matt agrees – she’s won the golden ticket
Chelsea, the chemical engineer. She’s intelligent, she’s beautiful, she’s articulate and she likes a temporary tattoo.
Sogand, the Persian goddess. Sweet, smart, bilingual and a strong and intriguing woman who we think can capture the bachelor’s heart.
6. What should we look forward to?
THERE ARE EIGHT NEW INTRUDERS COMING NEXT EPISODE. Enough said.